Send 'em to China!

A modest proposal

The Chancellor of the Exchequer Mr Jeremy Hunt is to unveil radical proposals for tackling the financial burden of the benefits system. It will replace the controversial "bedroom tax" with a package of reforms even more ambitious than the postwar establishment of the Welfare State.

The central plank of the proposals is that all those who, over their lifetime, are likely to receive more in benefits of all kinds than they pay in taxes, are to be relocated to China and supported there, far more cheaply. This will greatly ease the pressure on British housing stock, and at the same time create much-needed additional demand for the PRC's 50 million unoccupied apartments, many of them brand-new.

The scheme's potential is staggering. For example, there are over 2 million people in "pensioner poverty", 1.2 million unemployed, 4.8 million low paid workers, 1.5 million children with special needs and 14.6 million disabled, which suggests that a third of the UK population could be set for the one-way plane (or slow boat) trip to China's provinces.

"The exact figures are impossible to assess at this time," said a spokesman. "Partly, this is because the savings will be so great that taxes can be slashed, which will have a knock-on effect on prices. So people who previously would have been categorised as poor will find it much easier to make ends meet.

"However, this factor is likely to be counteracted by the economic impact on huge numbers of people whose living depends wholly or partly on servicing the poor. Social workers, DWP claim processors, special needs teachers, nurses, occupational therapists, psychologists, police, lawyers of all types, magistrates, prison officers, charity professionals, pubs and off licenses, betting shops, the National Lottery, cheap supermarkets, compensation claim outfits, loan sharks, fast-food takeaways... the list is endless.

"All these will see their income reduced, and some will fall into the same bracket as their former clients and customers. The latter will be offered the choice of continuing in their role, but on Chinese pay rates and conditions, or simply becoming claimants themselves."

A confidential source tells us, "Hunt's team had intended to work through the details for at least another year, but the Americans had got wind of it and so the announcement has had to be brought forward to beat them to the punch."

The plan has no official name as yet; but some say it will be dubbed the "Hunt resettlement plan"; others think it will be called the "Shipham Scheme" in order to focus attention on its purpose.

The Home Secretary Mrs Suella Braverman is also said to be enthused by the plan, not only as an alternative to the obvious failure of the arrangement to fly asylum seekers to Rwanda but as a more general solution to Britain’s chronic and growing overpopulation problem.

“The ‘Shipham scheme’ as proposed would merely relieve the UK of 20-odd million dependants,” said Mrs Braverman. “The current population numbers are not known precisely, but must be in the region of 70 million, and net migration is increasing by half a million a year.

“The Migration Observatory has estimated that a long-term sustainable figure for Britain is around 20 million. If we can transfer 50 million people to China our country will be greener, safer, vastly more productive and more prosperous than at any time in our history. Meanwhile the new overseas British dependants will benefit from modern housing, much better protection from Covid, and far more effective policing.”

A joint communiqué from the Guardian newspaper, the Labour Party and the TUC said “This will put us out of business. We need the poor, and the more of them the better.”

Adapted from an earlier piece on Broad Oak Magazine.