This is an Emergency Alert, a UK government service to warn you that you may well die soon. This is a real emergency, follow the instructions to keep yourself and others safe.
An attack is imminent, possibly the Russians but it could be the Chinese or Iranians. Or maybe Extinction Rebellion or Just Stop Oil, who cares?
The nature of the assault is as yet undetermined, so for your best chance of survival please immediately:
Unscrew a strong door and lean it against an interior wall
Pile up sandbags to make a secure shelter
Make lots and lots of sandwiches (don’t forget the vegans!)
Fill a months’ worth of two-liter water bottles (3.6 pints, for you dinosaurs)
Ensure you have adequate supplies of masks and hand gel
Set aside 50 metres of cling film and 20 metres of parcel tape to wrap bodies - don’t forget to leave some slack for gases!
This is not a test. You do not absolutely need to take any action since it’s all likely useless in your case.
Do NOT leave your 15 minute zone, whether on foot or in a vehicle - security forces have orders to shoot on sight.
Visit gov.uk/alerts for more information, or call us but you probably won’t get through, not least because most of us will be Working From Home or rather Bunker haha!